My confession of confusion

Couple of days ago you told me you THINK you're in love with me. My heart stopped. I couldn't breathe. No one has ever said it to me before.

You are the first.

So does that make you special? I think so.

Your brain is special, so is your sense of humor. Our CONVERSATIONS are special. All the time we spent together, makes YOU more special.

I'm afraid of my own greed. The longer you're near, the more greedy i become.

What should i do? When i already have a boyfriend now. Even though my feelings for you grows bigger and bigger than my feelings for him. Last sunday when i was with him, i couldn't help myself to think of you. Not only i was worried about you, but i also missed you. I wanted to talk to you, like we usually do.

I still have no f**king idea what kind of feelings is this I'm feeling inside. I'm still afraid to tell you that I also FEEL that I'm in love with you. Still afraid that it might make your hopes high and then someday i break your beautiful heart..

I'm still not sure this is REAL love i feel in my heart.

....but also I have no doubt that i HAVE feelings for you. There's a tiny hidden place inside my heart that's trembling everytime we talk. The urgent desire to have you, and to be yours.

And yes, maybe I am a coward. I'm just too afraid to feel more. I'm afraid of being judged that I'm a very bad person by HIM. And i just keep hurting you over and over again :(

but why do you still love me?? knowing that I'm no good for you and all :(

gosh.. i wish we had met earlier, before me and him met... would we be together? :((


and now I'm here.. finding it's really hard to fight my feelings for you. Debating myself, which one should i choose? My HEART or my BRAIN? FEELINGS or LOGIC? YOU or HIM?

.....................

and i haven't REALLY decided anything yet. At first i think i could fight this feeling, and choose him. But then your confession changes everything.
 
Maybe i really wanna be with you.. maybe this feeling IS real. Because Yes, everyday this feelings grows stronger. I enjoy every of it. I'm kinda afraid that maybe I'm addicted to you.

Last night before i went to sleep, i thought that maybe i can break up with him, since our relationship is no longer as strong as it was.
I was on the verge of thinking of breaking up with him when suddenly the memory of his expression hit me. His sad looks, his broken heart. I just can't break his heart, knowing maybe I'm the only one he has. I know he has been lonely for so long, and he once said that i have changed his world. I just keep remembering all of his words. He needs me, I know.

Now that i realize maybe i should choose him instead of you. But then something bad really happens in my heart. I feel pain, my heart is broken... Now I'm a broken hearted girl.

You told me you're lucky that you find me. 
But i don't feel I'm lucky, because we find each other at the VERY WRONG time. I'm already with him.


-Ririn-
(a broken hearted girl)